jueves, enero 30, 2003

With Nothing Else To Do

Is it just me, or are those Dell kids just too cute?

I'm sitting here at ten o'clock on the night before I have to get up at five-thirty in the next morning just realising how utterly horrible most television is. I've tried to convince the family that we should forgoe the cable. Imagine how much time we spend sitting in front of the television just aimlessly clicking around. There's nothing on anymore anyway; it's all recycled stuff. Especially with all these goddamn reality shows. And there's hardly any talent anymore, just beautiful bodies.

I've made a resolution. I resolve to lose at least twenty pounds, thirty at most, before I go to college. I just want to look my best before going away to a new place with new people.


posted at 22:11 ||

miércoles, enero 29, 2003

The President Said:

Of all the reviews of the State of the Union Address, which I have yet to read, this is the funniest.

posted at 22:13 ||

domingo, enero 26, 2003

What I Know About Sharon Olds:

  • She's a writer.
  • I believe she's a native San Franciscan.
  • I believe she holds a staff position in the English Department at NYU.
  • She's a little old lady by now.
  • She's a cool little old lady.
  • She's a cool little old lady because she writes stuff like this.

posted at 00:56 ||

miércoles, enero 22, 2003

Dad's List of Grievances

First the story:

A couple of days ago, Dad and I were sitting in the room watching television. Well, actually I was watching television and he was reading a book. Anyway, I had turned it to the weather channel, and the lady on there was talking about that big snowstorm that ripped across the country and how it was up in New England. She mentioned Massachussetts, and at this Dad said, "Who gives a fuck about Massachusetts?"

Surprised at this sudden outburst of animosity, I informed him that he was the strangest person I knew because he had all of these unexplained grudges. I asked him to justify this sudden deep hatred for Massachusetts. Just as he was going to tell me, I had the greatest idea: make a list of these grudges.

So here begins dad's list. Most explanations are verbatim.

Dad's Grievances, #1:

Native weather and people were not harsh enough to exterminate puritans. Is home of Harvard, breeding ground for the business, government, and media people who oppress normal people.

So there you have it.

posted at 22:12 ||

martes, enero 21, 2003


I believe I must subconsciously like turmoil and stress and such. For example, with my Hamlet paper, I got home from school and spent the entire evening reading the play until about nine and had the paper written and edited five minutes before handing it in. I got an A or something on it.

Or Heart of Darkness. I finished the novella two and a half hours before taking an essay test on it. A minus.

My research paper, which was put off until the last minute received an A, despite problems with the sources.

I've yet to do three chapter projects, which constitute a considerable portion of the average, for my government class. They were supposed to be done a while ago.

Remember that computer hell final that I didn't do? Well, it turns out that the teacher decided to give me an incomplete for that, because it would bring my average down to an eighty or so, me being such the good student and her being such the nice (and foxy, for an old lady) teacher. So on this glorious report card day I had three incompletes, two were supposed to be there, but the other was from computer hell. This unusual number of incompletes led my homeroom/calculus teacher to question why I had so many, as in shock and alarm.

So I went and asked the computer hell teacher about it, and it turns out I have to do it or kill myself. And as I'm so young, I figure I'll just do it and get it over with. I've already started, anyway.

But how does this tie in with all that jive about working under pressure before? you ask. Well, it's simple, really. I've got a fuck ton to do as not only the high school changes semester, but the AP school changes, and the snow days that haven't been accounted for yet. I've got much to do before I can breathe easy again. And even then I'll still probably find some way to get myself into a hurried mess.

Imagine how well I'd do if the procrastinating gene hadn't been bred into me.

posted at 23:36 ||

jueves, enero 16, 2003

A List of Things

Because I think better in lists:

  • Yesterday, after lessons, I was driving home and I heard the most beautifal pentatonic string quintet thing. And, thanks to NPR's feature All Songs Considered, I found out what it was. I found out that it was the first movement of a quintet piece composed by the bassist Edgar Meyer. I found links to the songs, and I'd like to share them: Windows Media Real Media.
  • Eric Idle is fucking hilarious.
  • VT Honors Band was cancelled. I don't know if I've mentioned going or not, but I was kind of looking forward to it, not so much for the competition, but rather for the escape.
  • It was cancelled as a result of the fuck-ton of snow that was forcasted, then poured from the sky. It was so heavily anticipated that school was turned out early in order to get people home before the snow did hit.
  • VH1, like so many blogs, has given up on actual quality programming and has resorted to endless lists. Hours and hours of the five hundred greatest lesbian-written songs about masturbation.

That's it for a while.

posted at 22:09 ||

domingo, enero 12, 2003

I Really Have Nothing to Write About

Yesterday I cancelled my auditions at both schools. Monday VCU's application will be in the mail.

As I have cancelled my audition at JMU., I should know shortly about my acceptance status.

UPDATE: I know about my acceptance status, and I have been accepted. Yay. (12/13)

I've decided to keep Wilcox, for a while at least. I told him I was cancelling and we talked for a while, but I think I'll like lessons more now that we don't have to rush for a deadline.

I need to tell Mr. Fleming not to worry about a letter of recommendation.

I should email my journal things to my government teacher. They're incomplete, but I don't care. And they're horribly late, but again I don't care.

I tried to play a little today, and it was terrible. I have orchestra tomorrow, and I fear for what I will sound like.

I feel so awful because this time last year I was at the height of my playing. Even through the end of May I was still playing pretty well. Then I got to the summer and I was still going to Community Band and Has-Beens, and it was still okay. Then I got a job and school started back up and I joined the PACE team and quit Has-Beens and Community Band, but the register I had to play in during the ninety minute band period still kept me pretty much in practice. Then we started concert season, and that's when it went all to hell. PACE had ended, I wasn't working as much. I had auditions to fret about, the most imminent being All-District, the stepping stone to All-State. Then the concert came, and it was bad. Then Christmas Break came and I wasn't practicing like I should have been. Then Christmas came, and I stopped playing for three and four days at a time. Then, the night before school re-started, I decided I'd cancel my college auditions and go back to all the bands I'd been going to before all this mess started. I was going to go to Has-Beens this past Monday, but it had snowed, and the parents didn't think I should be out driving. Then I had to work the next Thursday, so I missed Community Band. Then I didn't play for four days. Then we didn't play at school. Then I went to lessons, and it was awful. Now, I've got orchestra a mere twelve hours away, and I wonder how bad I'm going to sound. Then tomorrow I will go to Has-Beens, and maybe my lips will get back into shape enough for me to practice for the audition I have this Friday for VT Honors Band. I can't go to Community Band because we'll be leaving that night for VT.

Why do I care so much about this? I just wrote a whole big-ass rant reflecting my worry and nervousness about this whole franchise, and for what? Maybe Dad was right, maybe this whole trumpet thing was just a means to keep sane, to have something to belong to during high school. And now, with graduation a few short months away, maybe I'm subconsciously thinking that I don't need to do this anymore. Maybe I'm thinking...fuck. What? Do I really want to do this professionally? Maybe I can do something else and do this as a hobby, like Mike does with Community Band and Has-Beens. Maybe I could be a lawyer? I like to argue, and I can research the hell out of something if I'm trying to prove a point. The money isn't that bad, either.

Shit. I don't know what I'm going to do. If I don't have this, what else is there? Math teacher? I could see myself teaching calculus in high school, but that's just a fancy, nothing serious. Would the ends justify the means? If I took out a loan to pay for my education to become a high school teacher, how long would it take me to pay it back and still have food to eat?

I just have to calm down. I have to think, "this audition coming up doesn't mean shit. If you don't do well, so what? Your life ends? What if Tom gets first chair, or does way better than you? Will it really matter? You're in a transition stage right now. You've got a little more than a month in which to practice for the audition that really matters right now. This VT thing is just a pleasure trip, an escape. Just go and have fun."

That's all it is, a pleasure trip. Escape. Two days out of school, three nights away from the parents. Who knows, maybe I'll hook up with someone at that student party thing? I'll just trudge along and work my ass off until February, and hopefully it will pay off.

I just pray that it does, for my mental health's sake.

See? Here I go again, ranting about this. This must be the only thing really important to me, because I don't rant much about anything else but religion.

Anyway, I've had enough of this.

posted at 01:44 ||

viernes, enero 10, 2003


I walk out of the school buliding wearing a long-sleeved tee shirt with jeans and birkenstock sandals without socks. It's January. It's colder outside now than when I entered the building. I wish I had socks. I wish more that I had shoes. I look up at the distant sun outlined by clear blue sky. It looks lonely. And cold.

I long for the summer months.

I stand in the shade of the band room with my friend. We're both waiting for it to be unlocked so we can get inside where it's warm. I mention that my feet are cold. She slips her sock-clad foot out of her clog and puts it over my toes to warm them.

School is not officially out for the day, but it might as well be. The three-day weekend has been born, and the race to take full advantage of it has begun. Nearly everyone able to drive has already left taking anyone they can carry. This break will be an escape, a small taste of the greater freedom that is to come with the summer months.

I long for green trees, green hills, blue skies full of big white puffy clouds that occasionally cast shadow over me.

I look at the sun again and close my eyes. I imagine how much closer the sun will seem in just a short time, how much more its presence will be felt. I open my eyes. I look around and realise how much longer that time seems. Months to endure of assignments, papers, lack of sleep, stress, drudgery, despair.

But I take comfort knowing that the end is near and I have but to be patient. The summer months will be here, green mountains, blue skies, and all; but I will have been too busy to notice.

And as celebration of its arrival I will drive. I will drive with the wind whipping around in the cab of the car, the radio blasting, the green of the world blurring together, the western sun my only companion, and know all is right with the world.

posted at 15:03 ||

miércoles, enero 08, 2003

Oh. My. God.

La Dooce has some grosser-than-gross contest going on.

It's worth it, but not for the queasy.

posted at 21:58 ||

martes, enero 07, 2003

Every Day vs Everyday:

Being each individual or part of a group without exception. Synonyms: Each
The time of light between one night and the next.
Encountered or used routinely or typically; ordinary.

Nowhere does Mr Webster enlighten us that the two words may be interposed.


I'll leave you with that.

posted at 11:32 ||

lunes, enero 06, 2003

At the Gym: An Anecdote

Dad, Brother, and myself were parking at the gym. Well, I was parking. Anyway, I eased up to the curb in order to make sure the wheel is touching. However, with the three hundred pounds added weight in the car, it was riding a little lower than I'm used to, so I scraped the bottom of the front thingy a little bit on the curb.

Dad says: "Hey, um..."--standard opening for my father; he's a genius, but has the hardest time putting his thoughts together in words typeable without the use of elipses--"why don't you back up and get off the curb."

Why, what an interesting idea! Removing the front of the car from the curb so as to prevent further damage! It would have never occured to me had Dad not said anything!


So, I say: "Of course I'm gonna back up off the curb, Dad, I'm not a goddamn idiot!" while in the process of backing up and putting the car in gear and what not.

Just as I finished retorting, the car rolled forward. James Cameron couldn't have timed it better.

posted at 18:30 ||

A Plea

People: Please stop sending me forwarded quizzes and sruveys and whatever else you can just because you can. I cannot tell you how much it bothers me to get the same fucking email from forty different people, and I have to open several different forwarded attachments until finally getting to the message. From now on, anything with "Fwd:" in the subject is getting deleted. No exceptions. Click-click: Deleted!

posted at 18:11 ||

domingo, enero 05, 2003

Up and About

Well, not so much about as up. In about four hours I will have been up for a full twenty-four hours, an eighth of which was spent at some pseudo-seminar so I can make claim to some scholarship money that I'm not even sure I'll be able to use for college. It was The Most Boring thing I've ever endured. It was pretty much a job fair or something similar. We filled out these forms and marked which kinds of occupational traits we like and which we didn't and that somehow led to a three-letter code. Then the lady that helped (ha!) us through the forms put up this hexagon with the words for what the letters in our code meant in each vertex. If your code had to jump across the hexagon or wasn't continuous by juxtaposing the letters, then you were inconsistent. With what I'm not exactly sure, but all I know is you're inconsistent.

And apparently the new trend to seem educated in this hell-hole of employment opportunity is to have completed or be in the process of completing a masters degree. Everyone had a master's degree, or was working on one or blah blah blah blah. Exhibitionists.

Then, the aforementioned lady gave out a sheet that listed qualities of the type of personality your leading letter represented, and I'll have to admit this: those qualities pretty much hit the nail on the head. Even the negative qualities, like...well, none jump to mind right now, but it was pretty accurate. Except the part about no clerical skills. I have fabulous clerical skills. Or maybe not; maybe I'm confusing clerical skills with skills needed to be a secretary.

Oh well.

posted at 03:02 ||

viernes, enero 03, 2003


I just saw a commercial for an upcoming news segment on hydrogen fuel cell powered cars.

The local news!

posted at 20:01 ||

Three Things

  • Today at school, I tried to post something, but the goddamn proxy servers at school weren't having any of it. Apparently I'm pretty foul-mouthed.
  • I'm watching Jeopardy, and Alex Trebec is such a dick. So much of a dick that I don't care if I misspelled his name right.
  • Also on Jeopardy, the Robert guy is such a lisping fag.

posted at 19:50 ||

jueves, enero 02, 2003

Practice Harder or Why I Hate Tom Padgett the Guy Who Got First Chair at All-District This Year...Again

He's too damn good. And he's not even that good! Which makes no sense at all, but to hear him play and think "he's good" is to go completely against everything performing music stands for. He phrases incorrectly, he breathes funny, he doesn't string his notes together in the right way; rather, kind of giving each note it's distinct part of the breath he has taken to give the piece life. What a monster he creates!

Ah, I'm just making shit up. He beat me, fair and square. Whatever the hell that means.

I ran the plan by the parents this morning. At first, dad seemed kind of...distant or something. He furrowed his brow the way he does when he gets offended. Mom kind of understood. But instad of taking it as, "I'm giving myself more time to achieve the goals I've set for myself," they took it as, "I'm giving up completely." Which is what I most explicitly am not doing. And once they got the notion in their heads that I'm not choosing a school based on music, they jumped all over the chance that I might consider their alma mater, Clinch Valley College, which is now the University of Virginia at Wise.

I want to go to a big school. Big. With lots of people. And hardly any chance of me running into anyone from around here. Someplace where I can feel academically and socially challenged. I know I could get a full ride to UVA Wise based solely on my academics, and I would have to, because they don't hav e a music program. Wise is just too fucking close to home. Sorry Mom and Dad, but it's just not gonna happen.

So now that I have firmly asserted the plan to myself, I have but to call the universities I have applied/plan to apply to and cancel auditions. And tell Mr. Fleming and Mr. Wilcox to forget about the letters of recommendation.

Next week begins rebirth. I'll give it a month and then, if nothing's improved, I'm dropping Wilcox. No use wasting $64/month on lessons when I only make roughly $60/paycheck. Less money for me that way.

I think I'll start working more, too. I believe I already said that, but it bears worth repeating. Incentive: I got another raise last paycheck, so bully for me. Back when I worked three days a week, I made around $120/paycheck, and that was after deductions. Who knows now with a raise and all. And I'll work till closing, too, and might be able to close a few nights as well.

Anyway, enough of this.

posted at 21:45 ||

can't sleep

i've been having trouble sleeping lately. actually, keeping a clear mind is the problem. i've been worried shitless about these impending college auditions, and i'm sooo not going to be ready for them. i might do okay for VT honors band, because it's doubtless just scales and sight reading; but college auditions require prepared pieces. i've got three different pieces of contrasting style and what not, and i've worked the hell out of them at one time or another. the problem, though, is that i haven't worked enough hell out of them right now.

so, after losing sleep because of worrying about this, i've just decided that i'm not going to worry about it. i'm going to call the universities i've applied to and cancel my auditions. i know it sounds like i'm backing out, and in a sense it is. but i've got the option of going to the university for a time and join all the bands i need to stay in practice and what not, so i'm not gonna sweat all this crap right now.

i am, however, going to pick up community band and has-beens again, so as to keep up my endurance. i really enjoyed hb's up until i quit going because i was finally able to get into the music while playing it. community band will be one of those swallow-your-pride things. i'm probably going to talk to rachel later (this morning...in like, six hours! ugh!) and ask her if she needs a ride to community band tonight, assuming they meet tonight.

and orchestra resumes the thirteenth, so there you go.

i also think i'll give up lessons. they really don't do anything for me, i think. it's like i'm paying him to tell me i'm not playing in the center of the pitch. and for the music he's given me. i think with all the playing i'll (hopefully) be doing, plus the practising i plan to be doing, i'll get better.

and i'll work more, i think. i think i'll go back to three days a week, that way i can just pay off my debt to the band.

but i really did seem to lose a lot of my 'edge' (as dad calls it) this year, and that loss can most likely be attributed to my quitting hb's and community band. i stopped hb's because i was on the academic team and we had our meets on mondays, and for a while there always had to travel to wise county. i stopped community band because....well, really to spite rachel. i was working more and band was keeping me pretty much in practice then; but i was getting damn tired of these slow, sappy choral arrangements and always playing at nursing homes. i guess you were right, rachel: it's not about the individual. it is a community band, not only made up of members of the community, but for the community as well.

i'll just suck it up and walk back in ther with my tail tucked between my legs.

so, in about seven hours i'll lay this all on the parents and see what they think. hopefully they'll see the "know when to quit" attitude and be happy, because they were the ones who kind of pleaded with me to take this course of action to begin with.

and now i see they were right.

now maybe i can sleep?

posted at 00:47 ||

miércoles, enero 01, 2003

the new year

in lieu of actually trying to write something about how another year has come and gone and trying to be all pseudo-poetic, i'll just make a list of standing goals to accomplish:

  • get weight down to at least 175lbs.
  • get laid
  • practice a bunch
  • get into all state band
  • make 3 or greater on AP history test
  • note spend so much time watching television
  • see more movies
  • move up in class ranking
  • learn to cook
  • write better

friends made this year (in order of how they come to me, not special treatment or anything):

  • brandon bentley
  • candace powers
  • andrea witt
  • dj swiney
  • britni (motherfucking) hawk
  • josh davis
  • amanda smith
  • tyler herron
  • brittany hartgrove
  • brandy hartgrove
  • mandy strutner
  • becky burke
  • rachel jones
  • melinda thacker
  • laura-jane jennings
  • tara oaks
  • jamie carter
  • jessica fields
  • dustin keller
  • rachel harrigan (sister of naomi)
  • jeani gibson

i know there are more, but my mind is kind of fried right now. some of those people i've known for a while, but didn't really get friendly with them until this year. so, if by some miracle of god one of you stumble to this page with that list still up, don't take any offence.

i really have to go move my bowels, and i've been on the internet long enough.


posted at 13:13 ||

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