lunes, diciembre 30, 2002


is it just me, or is there nothing to do on the internet?

ooh! fat kids camp on TV.

posted at 20:22 ||

compulsive shopper? yeah, that's me:

today my aunt took us shopping and for lunch and to see the two towers, which was fucking awesome.

i bought:

  • two sweaters
  • a pair of kahki kakhi khaki (who the fuck knows?) slacks. 'cause i need some.
  • some black socks
  • a toboggan

i had no idea of what to buy when i got there, but once i was there, look out.

the two towers was amazing. they changed a lot of it, but i guess it was more marketable that way.

that's it....

posted at 19:43 ||

domingo, diciembre 29, 2002


what am i? where do i stand on the issues? how do i feel about foreign policy? how do i feel about god?

why does it matter?

why is it so hard for people to grasp that i don't want to go to some paradise after i die. i don't want to exist after my life. we all get one chance, thus making us equal. what we do with our lives is up to us, whether it be devoting our lives to being chaste and some unseen god, or going out and fucking like bunnies to further the human race.

fuck, i say. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i'm a big fan of "you only live once." sure, if you submit your will to those claiming to be messengers of god with the promise of an eternity of church, i.e. mindless god-praising slaves, which is wanted of you on earth anyway, then more power to you. but, in heaven, what do you get to do? do you get to fuck like bunnies? do you finally get to succumb to your lust and fuck everyone you see (because you know everyone in heaven's gonna be hot. that's what they tell you, anyway). fuck no, they tell you you're gonna spend the entire time praising jesus. PRAISE JESUS! fuck no, man. fuuuuuck no.

it's a cruel joke. they want you to slave your life away, breaking your will, with the promise of everlasting eternity with your maker. the punchline is, THERE IS NO ETERNITY! HAHAHAHAHAH, MOTHERFUCKERS!

fuck that. live your life while it's here, i say. you're here to fuck, and there's a reason fucking feels so good, people: so you'll do it. a lot. that's the entire point of living. all this working, money, &c, is secondary to the primary function of human life: making more human life.

eh. i've burned enough.

posted at 00:33 ||

sábado, diciembre 28, 2002

i know...

  • i should be doing something other than sitting here on the internet for an hour
  • i should be doing something constructive
  • i should be reading fucking crime and punishment
  • i should be putting up laundry
  • i should be taking the dishes in my room to the kitchen. or, i should probably have done that when dad was doing dishes fifteen minutes ago
  • i should not take my watch to work with me this afternoon
  • i should be practicing right now, expecially after the horrible practice session yesterday.
  • i should be trying to write essays for vcu's application
  • i should probably be wearing socks so my feet don't get frostbitten off
  • i should probably wash my ass pants sometime soon before they get too assy to be salvaged
  • i should put up my laundry that i half-way finished yesterday.
  • should not have watched monsters, inc. for the fifth time today
  • should not play the nintendo

too bad.

posted at 13:31 ||

viernes, diciembre 27, 2002

junk mail

what's up with junk mail? most of it's either porn, porn related, or financially related. like it's either "enlarge your penis," "dripping wet dogfart teeny bopper sluts" (who's the ad wizard behind that one?), or "are you in debt?" jesus people!

that's all.

posted at 21:04 ||

about the paper

an A. A A A A A A. yay for A!

posted at 13:21 ||

the saga continues

yee. i was reading my friend alexis' blog and saw her mention of district. which reminded me i have yet to write of my placement in the all-district VII symphonic band: third. eh. fucking tom padgett got first, and then someone from graham beat me after him. and i admit, i haven't been as into my playing this year as i was last year. last year i was all "i'm going to be a professional musician blah blah blah" but now i'm not so sure. i mean, i have to make money somehow, and in between gigs i might have to get jobs. or, i might find out that the entire schpiel isn't what i thought it would be, and end up either working a dedbeat job or going back to school with no money to get a decent job. so maybe i should just save myself all the trouble and forget the music?

i've lost my motivation. it's strange. i can remember the moment when i decided i wanted to be a musician, riding down the highway with dad in the car after the second symphony performance in two days. i can see the car, i can see myself, making the decision. but i can't get inside myself to feel my making the decision. it's complicated to describe.

i just don't seem to be as good as i was last year, and i know a lot of it has to do with dropping community band and has-beens. i'm thinking about going back to has-beens, as i haven't been working as much 'in order to practice'. but i haven't been practicing. and i have an audition in less than a month for the school i'd like to go to. and i haven't even sent in the application for that school. i bet has-beens starts up in january, which is doubtful to have any good effect on my playing in the short time from then to the twenty-fifth. i'll just have to play a lot more on my own. Gaaah! when did life get so complicated?

so, maybe with has-beens and the symphony restarting in january, and with my practicing a bunch, it'll have some good effect. ...hopefully. at least i can give mike's loner stand back.

today i'm going to go into town to see if i can get a couple of links taken out of my watch's band. i'd do it myself, but i'm to afraid that i'd damage it or something.

shower! town! practice!


posted at 13:13 ||

jueves, diciembre 26, 2002

I'm Baaa-aaack

So, after that short hiatus, I'm back. I've given a few thoughts to what I want out of this thing. It's going to be a kind of journal, which is what it started out being, but I had this fancy idea of how a blog should be and wanting to get on this list and yada yada yada... Basically, I need some sort of creative outlet.

so, as a journal, i'm dropping punctuation and capitalisation and will do so only at a whim. well, maybe just capitalisation.

and as a journal, no comments. they weren't used, anyway.

and as a journal, my first act will be to list the gifts i received:

  • a watch. with four dials, including the main one off of which you read time. it's a timex. what?
  • my class ring. it exceeds my expectations. It's pretty simple. no fancy jewels or anything like that, just a silver band with GC engraved on the outside and my name and 2003 engraved on the inside.
  • an atomic clock. like, atomic. yeah... i have mixed feelings about this one. i have this secret obsession with time and all things that keep it (shhh). for example, there are now four clocks in this room alone. but, atomic power is bad. not bad as in evil and should be destroyed, but bad as in too much of a good thing. it's like, do the ends justify the means, you know? on the one hand, we get boundless power and energy, but on the other hand, the waste has a half-life of, what 500,000 years? eh. love the clock, though.
  • um...a dartboard. but get this: a magnetic dartboard. s'pretty neat, anyway.
  • $85. with which to go shopping on monday with my aunt. we're also going to see the two towers. i'm anxious because i hear very good things about it.
  • a sweater from brother that makes me look very mature.
  • a sweater from brandi that makes me look sexy.
  • joy ride. a thriller. pretty good, but only once.
  • beverly hills ninja.
  • a trumpet stand. sweet.
  • new headphones. a set consisting of those kind that go in each ear and (more importantly) one can sleep with them in and the other studio-type headphones.
  • four. packs. of. skittles. *insert homer simpson drool sound*
  • we got a blender. fourteen-speed. yup.
  • a photo album with which to remember my senior year. nifty, i guess, if i had a camera. bitter? me? no....
  • a family history mom worked on. pretty interesting. cost her a pretty penny, as they say.

that's all i can think of right now. i'll add more as i go along.

now for the things i bought, and for whom:

  • for brother i bought the red hot chili peppers' blood sugar sex magik and a cd lens cleaner for his stereo.
  • for sister i bought monsters, inc.
  • for mom i bought socks. white ones from foot locker. hey, she asked for them! i asked her what she'd want for christmas and she said socks. so there.
  • for dad i bought the royal tenenbaums, an old farmer's almanac, and a book about the appalachian trail.
  • for me i bought cake's comfort eagle.

that's pretty much it as far as the gift department.

i still have to read fucking crime and punishment before break's over. and i plan to start running again sometime. and watching less tv. right.


oh, and dad totally got smashed at the christmas party. like, stumbling around, passed out taking a piss on the toilet smashed. it was kind of freaky. he's such a bitter, hostile, cynical old bastard usually. the alcohol (scotch), made him exactly the opposite, and it was scary.

with that.

posted at 23:09 ||

viernes, diciembre 13, 2002

A little explaining first

I've got a post that I started a few nights ago. Just so you'll know.

Does it make me a bad person...

To want to convert to Judaism just so I can complain about all the Christmas decorations around here? Jesus Almighty!

Anyway, I'm getting desperate about this paper. Because I had to take Brother to lessons tonight, I had every intention of working on the paper (henceforth known as the paper). I had everything in order: I had the cords, I had my disk, I had my folder with all my information and shit in it. However, I forgot one thing: my a: drive.

You'd think with all the trouble I've had with this fucking drive I would have remembered it.

I feel so stupid. Well, not really. It sounds like something that would happen to anyone, namely my father.

Here in the lessons building, Brother and his teacher are doing "Greensleeves." It makes for nice background music.

Anyway (again), my lessons are...lesson-y. I don't know. I go nearly every week, and for a while there, it felt like I was just paying him to go and play for him so he could tell me that I wasn't playing in the center of the pitch. How the fuck am I supposed to fix something like that? I can't very well sit around playing each one of my notes to a tuner just for his benefit. No one has ever mentioned this before, and I can usually always tell when I'm out of tune, and usually can fix it, but I just don't have time.

Which brings me to something I've been wondering: Do I really have what it takes to hack it out there as a professional musician? I barely have what it takes to hack it as a high school student, what with gong to all my classes, getting all my fucking assignments in, keeping up with them in the first place.

I'll just be so glad when this Friday comes and goes. Even still, I'll be even more glad when the school year's end finally gets the fuck here.

All this liberal use of the word 'fuck' reminds me of what went on today during the 4.5 hours of band we had today. Being the kind, gracious leader he is, Mr. Lake decided he wasn't going to work us until about eleven o'clock, which he held true. He let us watch movies to keep us occupied. A few people decided they'd go up to the news room and watch Jason X: Beating a Dead Horse. There, in the 'seclusion' of the news room, they felt their language should be able to take a turn for the Anglo-Saxon, as some wannabe scholarly bitch english teachers might say. Mr. Lake, who was painting in the back room, could hear what they were saying, and, being the prude that he is, decided that he didn't like the language, but wouldnt' be outright about it until we had assembled.

So we assembled, and he made his remark about the movie having 'certain language' and how he ought to show it to his preacher who was coming over to have supper this evening and blah blah blah. He made me so mad, not so much what he said as how he said it, with this 'I'm better than you because I uphold the façade that I'm the perfect mirror image of Christ' attitude, which is so not the attitude he needs to adorn, especially having the day before treated the percussion like dung on the bottom of his shoe or something. Hello, Mr Lake, perhaps they don't feel like working for you because you're an ASSHOLE? Yes, I think that's it.

I need to start running, or doing something for aerobic benefit. I've been trying to run about a mile on the treadmills at the new gym, but i haven't gone in about a week, what with this fucking paper. (By the way, this is a multi-session post, so I've actually already turned in the paper. Thank you sweet Jesus.) I just feel fat. I've been making an effort to eat less since about the end of October, and it's working. I've stayed away from carbonated beverages, drinking only the lemonade from the machines at school. I've kept totally off kool-aid unless I've diluted it, and now I can't believe I'd been drinking it before. It tastes like syrup now. But I don't do anything for aerobic benefit except walking to and from school, and to and from my classes.

I've got a twenty-five slide PowerPoint presentation due for this upcoming Thursday for my computer class (aka, computer hell). I'm doing it on Seinfeld, and how it's the greatest show ever, which it totally is.

Tomorrow I have my district audition. Then I have to work. I don't seem to be as nervous about this year's audition as I was last year, but it is still Friday. Really all I need to do tomorrow in the warm-up room is my b-flat to d scales two octaves and then my chromatic and I'll feel comfortable. I shouldn't have a problem sight-reading, if I keep going and keep my head into it.

Tonight the whole family (with the exception of Dad, possibly) is going to see the Nutcracker. Emily is in it. She's going to meet us in the lobby. Yay. Brother and I are going separately from Mom and Dad (is that even grammatically correct?), and Brother has vowed to stay away from Schnookums. We're going to be sitting in the balcony.

I just had a thought; Gawd, I hope those womens' symphony committee bitches aren't doing the tickets tonight. If they give me any of that sass, I'll just punch it right back to 'em. Fuckin' bitches.

This is jut one of those freewriting-excercise type posts, in case you were wondering.

I am so fucking glad that paper is over. But it seems like it's out of the frying pan and in to the fire with me, because next week I have four (count 'em, four) government tests. Where? Why? Looks like tomorrow I'll have something to do during the interim between registering and auditioning. Too bad I won't be there to see the results posted.

I hope I do well, though. It's not like I don't care. I want to go to state again and everything, and I desparately want first chair this year at district, but by the sound of it, it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. And I hate that feeling of disappointment you get when you want something, or have this pre-conceived notion of how it's going to be, and it's not like that, so you just get this sinking feeling in your stomach like they've cancelled Christmas.

posted at 22:58 ||

jueves, diciembre 12, 2002

With time to spare

I've got 5+ pages of a 5-7 page paper written. I've proofread it, edited, and printed off a final copy. I even put a note in there so that the teacher will know about my book situation and maybe she'll be a little lenient about it.


Now the only writing assignments I have to worry about are my government assignments, and the essays for VCU. And I also need to get two letters of recommendation to JMU's school of music so my application will be considered complete.

Sometimes I wish that time would stop so I could catch up on shit like this. It makes me sad.

posted at 19:46 ||

lunes, diciembre 09, 2002

A wee sigh of relief

This week is the best. Tonight I can work on my paper and practice. And tomorrow I can work on my paper during second block, because it will be a three hour block. And Thursday I can work on my paper (hopefully I'll have it nearly completed by then) during fourth block, because I will be there for three hours. And work every night on my paper.

How did all this free time come about? SOLs. This is the only good thing imaginable that has ever come about as a result of the instatement of these stupid standards the state expects us to live up to.


posted at 14:26 ||

domingo, diciembre 08, 2002


After 4.5 hours of working on this paper, this is all I've got:

Friedrich Nietzsche’s philosophy has been attributed to the driving force behind the Holocaust (Wicks). His often-misquoted statement in his book Thus Spoke Zarathustra, “God is dead,” and the following points of philosophy in the book have led many down the path to atheism (Nietzsche 41). However, Robert Wicks’ summary of Nietzsche’s life and philosophy states that “[Nietzsche’s] tendency to seek explanations for commonly-accepted values and outlooks in the less-elevated realms of sheer animal instinct was also crucial to Sigmund Freud’s development of psychoanalysis.” His philosophy questions society’s Christian morals, including the concepts of good versus evil, the golden rule, and the belief that a supreme deity rules the universe.

And it's due on FRIDAY.


I've given up for the day, I think. I've got an hour and a half tomorrow in which I can noodle around with this. Plus I've got to get all my sources printed out, like the ones I got from SIRS and Infotrac, which require a logon and a password and such. So tomorrow when I come home, it'll all start coming together.


posted at 16:33 ||

I am in the deepest shit imaginable

Two words: research paper.

Strike fear in you, don't they? Especially when you've fabricated your works cited page, lost all of your internet sources you've printed out. And even moreso when you're procrastinating by blogging.

posted at 12:28 ||

viernes, diciembre 06, 2002

Time Keeps on Slippin'

The last time I looked at this, it read something like 248 days.

That puts it at almost two months since I'd lookeed at it. Two months!

It actually makes me happy.

posted at 22:00 ||

Will This Never End?

This article just makes me want a Mac so much more.

posted at 21:55 ||

miércoles, diciembre 04, 2002

snow, snoW, snOW, sNOW, SNOW, SNOw, SNow, Snow, snow

Today was a good day. I got to school, was there for probably a half hour max before they called it off, went swimming, worked...that's about it.

I didn't work on my research paper, and I didn't practice. But that's not really imporant, hence the small font.

Um...the snow was wonderful. We got about three inches or so at my house. Then, while I was at work, it started raining. Raining! So now it's going to freeze, and they've already called school off.


posted at 22:58 ||

lunes, diciembre 02, 2002

For Whom the Bell Tolls

I've got a few pressing matters to contend with this month. The most pressing would be the research paper due for my english class on the thirteenth (a Friday, no less), and the lesser (but not least) pressing matter is the auditions I have coming up within the next three months or so, some of which I haven't even scheduled yet.

Tonight I've got auditions for school, the fourteenth I have district auditions, I should set up an audition for VCU for January sometime, I've got to apply for the Brass Bash for this year, VT Honors Band in January (got confirmation today), JMU's audition, and (assuming I'm eligible) the audition for state.


But the most pressing matter right now is class.

posted at 14:00 ||

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